Why is it that I think I can control every situation? It finally hit me like a ton of wake-up-you-idiot bricks on Sunday that I have no control. Absolutely none. Novel idea.

Everything I do is a futile attempt to make things happen that I want to happen. None of which are even remotely similar to what God has in mind for my life. I know because the things I do to gain control are not good things. That makes total sense as I am writing. How could manipulating a situation to serve your best interest be good in the long run? Duh. Hopefully this blog thing will help.

Church was life changing for me on Sunday. My pastor asked us to truly consider the depths of our hearts and the intent held within them to serve Jesus. Scary! Had I really ever INTENDED to yield my life COMPLETELY? I was searching my heart and it was instant...no, not really, and are you serious? no. I tried to argue with my heart and tell myself that I really was trying but some parts just wouldn't cooperate...my heart just laughed back at me. I was using God for all the benefits, butI wanted no part of the hard stuff...the trials, the patience, the poeple laughing at me because I dared to say and act out what I believed even if it's not cool to them. Whatev.

I thought I could go to church, study the Bible, pray a lot, and even feel like a part of the body of the Church and God would bless me a lot and basically give me all I have ever wanted in life. Oh yeah, and with my help controlling everything, I would have all good things anyway. Hello??? Does anybody relate? Or am I really the only one besides the pastor that has ever thought and lived this way?

I realized there was a pattern to my thoughts- I. I. I. I can do it all on my own and I can handle the consequences. Are you kidding?? My pastor then asked, "Is this picture you-In case Jesus ever comes down from Heaven to take a Christian census, did you think you were going to be counted "in" by hiding amongst the church crowd, but not really having to yield your life to Christ?" OUCH! I so did.

What a joke! Jesus can see the depths of my heart...He knows my intentions. How embarrassing and absolutely disgusted I was with my heart. I have to admit I was laughing at the absurdity of my rationalization of how that was all okay for so long. Sometimes you act so stupid, you just have to laugh at yourself.

Prpoerty Sold! So I made a decision to intentionally sell myself out to Jesus right then and there. No you will not find me with a megaphone yelling at people that they are all going to hell on the town square...I'm not crazy........yet. I am very excited though and feel very at peace and content all at the same time. The weird thing is about all of it is that I can look back over the last week and see how God prepared my heart for that change and how He tested using me in situations where different people needed God's love. I have to say I shone like a star on some...yeah, God...but failed miserably on others...it's a process people!

Here is my decision. I decided to seriously examine and CHANGE(which is what yielding to Christ leading my life means to me) my thoughts, heart, and life to reflect what I believe-God loved me so much He sacrificed His only Son so that I may live. Jesus walked on this earth and suffered a horrible, unimaginable death in a man's body feeling all the excruciating pain just for me. Do I think the very least I could do is honor the One who created me and sacrificed His Son for me by merely living my life how He says, whenever He says, however He says. YES!!! I'm so thankful God is patient. Man, my parents were right..thickheaded. :) If you are reading this and you know me well, please pray for me. You all know how much i need it! ;) Love, love, T